khamneithang

instigating a life, one story at a time…

Archive for the category “humor”

Lessons from the traveling preacher

69044b25aae8e4bf1e8d5a6b438dce27A traveling preacher finds himself in a tremendous rainstorm. Within a few hours the hotel he is staying in is flooded. As the water rises, the preacher climbs to the roof and starts praying. “Lord, save me so I can continue on my mission of preaching your gospel.”

Just then, a coast guard rescue party floats by in a rowboat. “Let’s go mister, into the boat!”

“I’ll stay here,” says the preacher. “The Lord will save me.”

An hour later a second boat reaches the scene and the water is close to the roof of the hotel. “Sir, you better get in the water is still rising.”

“No thanks. The Lord will be my salvation.”

Toward evening, the hotel is almost completely under water and the preacher is clinging to the satellite dish on the roof. A helicopter is spotted and on a loudspeaker is heard: “Sir, grab on to the line and we will pull you up. This is your last chance.”

“I’m all right,’ says the preacher, “I know the Lord will provide sanctuary.”

As the helicopter departs, the satellite dish is hit by lightning and the preacher is killed.

When he arrives at the Pearly Gates he is furious. “What happened?” he shouts. “I thought the Lord would provide!?”

Moments later a thunderous voice is heard: “Give me a break. I sent you two boats and a chopper!”

It is important to recognize things for what they are…

The Storms of Life

A little girl walked to and from school daily. Though the weather that day was questionable and clouds were forming, she made her daily trek to the elementary school. As the afternoon progressed, the winds whipped up, along with thunder and lightning. The mother of the little girl felt concerned that her daughter would be frightened as she walked home from school and she herself feared that the electrical storm might harm her child.

Following the roar of thunder, lightning, like a flaming sword, would cut through the sky. Full of concern, the mother quickly got into her car and drove along the route to her child’s school. As she did so, she saw her little girl walking along, but at each flash of lightning, the child would stop, look up and smile. Another and another were to follow quickly and with each the little girl would look at the streak of light and smile.

When the mother’s car drew up beside the child she lowered the window and called to her, “What are you doing? Why do you keep stopping?” The child answered,” I am trying to look pretty. God keeps taking my picture.”

May God bless you today as you face the storms that come your way!

Encounter with Jesus at a Restaurant

An Irishman in a wheelchair entered a restaurant one afternoon and asked the waitress for a cup of coffee. The Irishman looked across the restaurant and asked, “Is that Jesus sitting over there?” The waitress nodded “yes,” so the Irishman told her to give Jesus a cup of coffee on him.

The next patron to come in was an Englishman with a hunched back. He shuffled over to a booth, painfully sat down, and asked the waitress for a cup of hot tea. He also glanced across the restaurant and asked, “Is that Jesus over there?” The waitress nodded, so the Englishman said to give Jesus a cup of hot tea, “my treat.”

The third patron to come into the restaurant was a Redneck on crutches. He hobbled over to a booth, sat down and hollered, “Hey thar ;sweet thang. How’s about gettin’ me a cold glass a Coke!” He looked across the restaurant and asked, “Is that God’s boy over thar?” The waitress nodded, so the Redneck said to give Jesus a cold glass of Coke, “on my bill.”

As Jesus got up to leave, he passed by the Irishman, touched him and said, “For your kindness, you are healed.” The Irishman felt the strength come back into his legs, got up, and danced a jig out the door. Jesus also passed by the Englishman, touched him and said, “For your kindness, you are healed.” The Englishman felt his back straightening up, and he raised his hands, praised the Lord and did a series of backflips out the door.

Then Jesus walked towards the Redneck. The Redneck dropped his crutches, jumped up and yelled, “Don’t touch me…I’m drawin’ disability!”

Inspiring Christmas quotes

christmas begins with christ1. How many observe Christ’s birthday! How few, His precepts! || Benjamin Franklin

2. A new star, the Christ child, God’s gift to mankind; these are what Christmas is made of || Richelle E. Goodrich

3. I will honor Christmas in my heart, and try to keep it all the year || Charles Dickens

4. Our hearts grow tender with childhood memories and love of kindred, and we are better throughout the year for having, in spirit, become a child again at Christmas-time || Laura Ingalls Wilder

5. Christmas can be celebrated in the school room with pine trees, tinsel and reindeers, but there must be no mention of the man whose birthday is being celebrated. One wonders how a teacher would answer if a student asked why it was called Christmas || Ronald Reagan

6. My idea of Christmas, whether old-fashioned or modern, is very simple: loving others. Come to think of it, why do we have to wait for Christmas to do that? || Bob Hope

7. Christmas, children, is not a date. It is a state of mind || Mary Ellen Chase

8. Christmas is doing a little something extra for someone || Charles M. Schulz

9. I heard the bells on Christmas Day
Their old, familiar carols play,
And wild and sweet
The words repeat
Of peace on earth, good-will to men!”
|| Henry Wadsworth Longfellow

10. In the old days, it was not called the Holiday Season; the Christians called it ‘Christmas’ and went to church; the Jews called it ‘Hanukkah’ and went to synagogue; the atheists went to parties and drank. People passing each other on the street would say ‘Merry Christmas!’ or ‘Happy Hanukkah!’ or (to the atheists) ‘Look out for the wall || Dave Barry

11. Christmas waves a magic wand over this world, and behold, everything is softer and more beautiful || Norman Vincent Peale

12. Want to keep Christ in Christmas? Feed the hungry, clothe the naked, forgive the guilty, welcome the unwanted, care for the ill, love your enemies, and do unto others as you would have done unto you || Steve Maraboli

13. He who has not Christmas in his heart will never find it under a tree || Roy L. Smith

14. And when we give each other Christmas gifts in His name, let us remember that He has given us the sun and the moon and the stars, and the earth with its forests and mountains and oceans–and all that lives and move upon them. He has given us all green things and everything that blossoms and bears fruit and all that we quarrel about and all that we have misused–and to save us from our foolishness, from all our sins, He came down to earth and gave us Himself || Sigrid Undset

15. One of the most glorious messes in the world is the mess created in the living room on Christmas day. Don’t clean it up too quickly || Andy Rooney

16. A man wrapped up in himself always suffocates. But his loved ones will forever hold in their hearts the memory of that Christmas || Bauvard

17. When we recall Christmas past, we usually find that the simplest things – not the great occasions – give off the greatest glow of happiness || Bob Hope

18. A lovely thing about Christmas is that it’s compulsory, like a thunderstorm, and we all go through it together || Garrison Keillor

19. My parents always said that knowledge was the best gift they could give me, probably because they were too cheap to buy me Christmas or Birthday presents || Jarod Kintz

20. Blessed is the season which engages the whole world in a conspiracy of love || Hamilton Wright Mabie

21. What is Christmas? It is tenderness for the past, courage for the present, hope for the future. It is a fervent wish that every cup may overflow with blessings rich and eternal, and that every path may lead to peace || Agnes M. Pahro

22. Christmas is not as much about opening our presents as opening our hearts || Janice Maeditere

23. Christmas is an indictment before it becomes a delight. It will not have its intended effect until we feel desperately the need for a Savior || John Piper

24. Christmas is not a time nor a season, but a state of mind. To cherish peace and goodwill, to be plenteous in mercy, is to have the real spirit of Christmas || Calvin Coolidge

25. Christmas is a necessity. There has to be at least one day of the year to remind us that we’re here for something else besides ourselves || Eric Sevareid

26. Christmas Eve was a night of song that wrapped itself about you like a shawl. But it warmed more than your body. It warmed your heart…filled it, too, with melody that would last forever || Bess Streeter Aldrich

27. Yet as I read the birth stories about Jesus I cannot help but conclude that though the world may be tilted toward the rich and powerful, God is tilted toward the underdog || Philip Yancey

28. Are you willing to stoop down and consider the needs and desires of little children; to remember the weaknesses and loneliness of people who are growing old; to stop asking how much your friends love you, and to ask yourself if you love them enough; to bear in mind the things that other people have to bear on their hearts; to trim your lamp so that it will give more light and less smoke, and to carry it in front so that your shadow will fall behind you; to make a grave for your ugly thoughts and a garden for your kindly feelings, with the gate open? Are you willing to do these things for a day? Then you are ready to keep Christmas! || Henry van Dyke

29. Peace on earth will come to stay, When we live Christmas every day || Helen Steiner Rice

30. Christmas is the season for kindling the fire of hospitality in the hall, the genial flame of charity in the heart || Washington Irving

31. Happy, happy Christmas, that can win us back to the delusions of our childish days; that can recall to the old man the pleasures of his youth; that can transport the sailor and the traveller, thousands of miles away, back to his own fire-side and his quiet home || Charles Dickens

32. Christmas! The very word brings joy to our hearts. No matter how we may dread the rush, the long Christmas lists for gifts and cards to be bought and given–when Christmas Day comes there is still the same warm feeling we had as children, the same warmth that enfolds our hearts and our homes || Joan Winmill Brown

33. I didn’t feel like buying him the jacket he asked for for Christmas, so I just got him a coat hanger with a sticky note attached that read, “Here’s something for you to hang your dreams on, pal || Jarod Kintz

34. As long as we know in our hearts what Christmas ought to be, Christmas is || Eric Sevareid

35. The universe is a trillion, trillion threads moving in seemingly unrelated directions. Yet when you look at them together, they create a remarkable tapestry || Richard Paul Evans

36. Christmas is built upon a beautiful and intentional paradox; that the birth of the homeless should be celebrated in every home || G.K. Chesterton

37. No matter how much falls on us, we keep plowing ahead. That’s the only way to keep the roads clear || Greg Kincaid

38. At one time, most of my friends could hear the bell, but as years passed, it fell silent for all of them. Even Sarah found one Christmas that she could no longer hear its sweet sound. Though I’ve grown old, the bell still rings for me, as it does for all who truly believe || Chris Van Allsburg

39. And in despair I bowed my head;
There is no peace on earth, I said;
For hate is strong,
And mocks the song
Of peace on earth, good-will to men!

Then pealed the bells more loud and deep:
God is not dead, nor doth he sleep!
The Wrong shall fail,
the Right prevail,
With peace on earth, good-will to men!
|| Henry Wadsworth Longfellow

40. Christmas is a day of meaning and traditions, a special day spent in the warm circle of family and friends || Margaret Thatcher

41. I truly believe that if we keep telling the Christmas story, singing the Christmas songs, and living the Christmas spirit, we can bring joy and happiness and peace to this world || Norman Vincent Peale

42. Never worry about the size of your Christmas tree. In the eyes of children, they are all 30 feet tall || Larry Wilde

christmas may your days be merry43. Remember, if Christmas isn’t found in your heart, you won’t find it under a tree || Charlotte Carpenter

44. Christmas is not a time or a season but a state of mind. To cherish peace and good will, to be plenteous in mercy, is to have the real spirit of Christmas. If we think on these things, there will be born in us a Savior and over us will shine a star sending its gleam of hope to the world || Calvin Coolidge

45. Unless we make Christmas an occasion to share our blessings, all the snow in Alaska won’t make it ‘white’ || Bing Crosby

46. The knowing is easy. It’s the doing that gives us trouble || Vannetta Chapman

47. Everyone wants to feel loved, but when all you feel is alone it’s tough to accomplish anything else || Glenn Beck

48. God is here. This truth should fill our lives, and every Christmas should be for us a new and special meeting with God, when we allow his light and grace to enter deep into our soul || St. Josemaría Escrivá

49. The human life cycle no less than evolves around the box; from the open-topped box called a bassinet, to the pine box we call a coffin, the box is our past and, just as assuredly, our future. It should not surprise us then that the lowly box plays such a significant role in the first Christmas story. For Christmas began in a humble, hay-filled box of splintered wood. The Magi, wise men who had traveled far to see the infant king, laid treasure-filled boxes at the feet of that holy child. And in the end, when He had ransomed our sins with His blood, the Lord of Christmas was laid down in a box of stone. How fitting that each Christmas season brightly wrapped boxes skirt the pine boughs of Christmas trees around the world || Richard Paul Evans

50. If you desire to find the true spirit of Christmas and partake of the sweetness of it, let me make this suggestion to you. During the hurry of the festive occasion of this Christmas season, find time to turn your heart to God. Perhaps in the quiet hours, and in a quiet place, and on your knees—alone or with loved ones—give thanks for the good things that have come to you, and ask that His Spirit might dwell in you as you earnestly strive to serve Him and keep His commandments. He will take you by the hand and His promises will be kept || Howard W. Hunter

51. Were I a philosopher, I should write a philosophy of toys, showing that nothing else in life need to be taken seriously, and that Christmas Day in the company of children is one of the few occasions on which men become entirely alive || Robert Lynd

52. At Christmas
A man is at his finest towards the finish of the year;
He is almost what he should be when the Christmas season’s here;
Then he’s thinking more of others than he’s thought the months before,
And the laughter of his children is a joy worth toiling for.
He is less a selfish creature than at any other time;
When the Christmas spirit rules him he comes close to the sublime.
|| Edgar A. Guest

53. Fail not to call to mind, in the course of the twenty-fifth of this month, that the Divinest Heart that ever walked the earth was born on that day; and then smile and enjoy yourselves for the rest of it; for mirth is also of Heaven’s making || Leigh Hunt

54. I think commercialism helps Christmas and I think that the more capitalism we can inject into the Christmas holiday the more spiritual I feel about it || Craig Ferguson

55. The light of the Christmas star to you.
The warmth of home and hearth to you.
The cheer and goodwill of friends to you.
The hope of a child-like heart to you.
The joy of a thousand angels to you.
The love of the Son and God’s peace to you!
|| Sherryl Woods

56. Gifts of time and love are surely the basic ingredients of a truly merry Christmas || Peg Bracken

57. Christmas Eve was a night of song that wrapped itself about you like a shawl. But it warmed more than your body. It warmed your heart… filled it, too, with a melody that would last forever. Even though you grew up and found you could never quite bring back the magic feeling of this night, the melody would stay in your heart always – a song for all the years || Bess Streeter Aldrich

58. Christmas is a time in which, of all times in the year, the memory of every remediable sorrow, wrong, and trouble in the world around us, should be active with us, not less than our own experiences, for all good || Charles Dickens

59. Christmas is the gentlest, loveliest festival of the revolving year – and yet, for all that, when it speaks, its voice has strong authority || W.J. Cameron

60. Let the children have their night of fun and laughter. Let the gifts of Father Christmas delight their play. Let us grown-ups share to the full in their unstinted pleasures before we turn again to the stern task and the formidable years that lie before us, resolved that, by our sacrifice and daring, these same children shall not be robbed of their inheritance or denied their right to live in a free and decent world || David McCullough

61. One of the things that Christmas reminds us is that Jesus Christ was once a child || Hark Herald Sarmiento

62. Christmas is a bridge. We need bridges as the river of time flows past. Today’s Christmas should mean creating happy hours for tomorrow and reliving those of yesterday || Gladys Taber

63. I sometimes think we expect too much of Christmas Day. We try to crowd into it the long arrears of kindliness and humanity of the whole year. As for me, I like to take my Christmas a little at a time, all through the year. And thus I drift along into the holidays – let them overtake me unexpectedly – waking up some find morning and suddenly saying to myself: ‘Why, this is Christmas Day! || Ray Stannard Baker

64. It comes every year and will go on forever. And along with Christmas belong the keepsakes and the customs. Those humble, everyday things a mother clings to, and ponders, like Mary in the secret spaces of her heart || Marjorie Holmes

65. Christmas works like glue, it keeps us all sticking together || Rosie Thomas

66. I wish we could put up some of the Christmas spirit in jars and open a jar of it every month || Harlan Miller

67. Christmas is the keeping-place for memories of our innocence || Joan Mills

68. It is the personal thoughtfulness, the warm human awareness, the reaching out of the self to one’s fellow man that makes giving worthy of the Christmas spirit || Isabel Currier

69. A Christmas gambol oft could cheer
The poor man’s heart through half the year.”
|| Walter Scott

christmas may peace70. Christmas is a time for families || Dorothy Koomson

71. As I wrote ‘The Christmas Lamp’ I realized that tradition is priceless, whether you have a small family, a large family, or no family. Tradition doesn’t have to be logical; it only has to emphasize the light of Christ and his everlasting love || Lori Copeland

72. Without the door let sorrow lie,
And if for cold it hap to die,
We’ll bury ‘t in a Christmas pie,
And evermore be merry.
|| George Wither

73. Christmas renews our youth by stirring our wonder. The capacity for wonder has been called our most pregnant human faculty, for in it are born our art, our science, our religion || Ralph Sockman

74. Let him into the mire and muck of our world. For only if we let him in can he pull us out || Max Lucado

75. The best Christmas trees come very close to exceeding nature. If some of our great decorated trees had been grown in a remote forest area with lights that came on every evening as it grew dark, the whole world would come to look at them and marvel at the mystery of their great beauty || Andy Rooney

76. Christmas is a time of sharing, and joy and grace. There’s no better time to entertain family and friends than now || Shelley Shepard Gray

77. I don’t want Christmas season to end, because it’s the only time I can legitimately indulge in on particular addiction: glitter || Eloisa James

78. Money is made at Christmas out of holly and mistletoe, but who save the vendors would greatly care if no green branch were procurable? One symbol, indeed, has obscured all others–the minted round of metal. And one may safely say that, of all the ages since a coin first became the symbol of power, ours is that in which it yields to the majority of its possessors the poorest return in heart’s contentment || George R. Gissing

79. Christmas is a whisper of peace and a sigh of hope on the lips of perfect love || Richelle E. Goodrich

80. The Church does not superstitiously observe days, merely as days, but as memorials of important facts. Christmas might be kept as well upon one day of the year as another; but there should be a stated day for commemorating the birth of our Saviour, because there is danger that what may be done on any day, will be neglected || Samuel Johnson

81. Except the Christ be born again tonight
In dreams of all men, saints and sons of shame,
The world will never see his kingdom bright.
|| Vachel Lindsay

82. At Christmas play and make good cheer, For Christmas comes but once a year || Thomas Tusser

83. A Christmas candle is a lovely thing;
It makes no noise at all,
But softly gives itself away;
While quite unselfish, it grows small || Eva K. Logue

84. For the rest, silence or good music, not much food, a lot of solitude, walks on the Heath, the time to think while others… well, often fall apart. Not so bad, not so bad at all. Being queer and self-sufficient is the best present at this season || Will Self

85. There are some wonderful aspects to Christmas. It’s magical. And each year, from at least November, well, September, well, if I’m honest, May, I look forward to it hugely || Miranda Hart

86. Before God does anything, before he makes anything for us to be sustained by, God says, “More than food, more than water, more than shelter, more than other people, they are going to need me.” || Wesley Miller

87. The Christmas tree is a symbol of love, not money. There’s a kind of glory to them when they’re all lit up that exceeds anything all the money in the world could buy || Andy Rooney

88. I long to look at my holiday season with eyes that see the Christ in Christmas || Ann Marie Stewart

89. Mankind is a great, an immense family… This is proved by what we feel in our hearts at Christmas || Pope John XXIII

90. A magic came out of your smile
Gold thread of gold thread
Stars illuminating the sky
There
Where in the mountain stream
Healing water
Tears of ice as a gift to me”
|| Sir Kristian Goldmund Aumann

91. Christmas Sun! What holy task is thine!
To fold a world in the embrace of God!
|| Guy Wetmore Carryl

I can’t tell a lie

smileA little boy called Sam was playing in the yard behind his house. During his pretended fighting game, he knocked over the outhouse. Sam was worried and scared that he would get into trouble so he ran into the woods. He didn’t come out until after it was totally dark. When he arrived back home, his father was waiting for him. He asked suspiciously, “Son, did you knock over the outhouse this afternoon?”

“No, dad,” Sam lied.

“Well, let me tell you a story,” said the father. “Once, not that long ago, Lincoln received a shiny new axe from his father. Excited, he tried it out on a tree, swiftly cutting it down. But as he looked at the tree, to his horror he realized that it was his mother’s favorite cherry tree.” His father paused, and continued, “Just like you, he ran into the woods. When he returned, his father asked, ‘Abraham, did you cut down the cherry tree?’ Abraham answered, ‘Father, I cannot tell a lie. I did, indeed, chop down the tree.’ Then his father said, ‘Well, since you were honest with me, you are spared from punishment. I hope you have learned your lesson, though.’

Then Sam’s father asked again, “Did you knock down the outhouse?”

“Father, I cannot lie anymore,” said the little boy. “I did, indeed, knock down the outhouse.”

Then his father spanked him red, white, and blue. The boy whimpered, “Dad, I told you the truth! Why did you spank me?”

His father answered, “That’s because Abraham Lincoln’s father wasn’t in the tree when he chopped it down!”

Round like a shot

There is so much wit, wisdom and laughter in this short anecdote shared by Tony Gladstone:

Going to bed the other night, I noticed people in my shed stealing things.

I phoned the police but was told no one was in the area to help. They said they would send someone over as soon as possible.

I hung up. A minute later I rang again. “Hello,” I said, “I called you a minute ago because there were people in my shed. You don’t have to hurry now, because I’ve shot them.”

Within a minute there were half a dozen police cars in the area, plus helicopters and an armed response unit. They caught the burglars red-handed.

One of the officers said: “I thought you said you’d shot them.”

To which I replied: “I thought you said there was no one available”.

Image

Total commitment

During one summer over two decades ago, a friend invited me to visit his family inside Myanmar. On Sunday he preached on the subject of commitment and made this witty remarks:

A chicken and a pig were passing by a church and heard the beautiful choral singing. Said the chicken to the pig,“That was beautiful! Let’s show our appreciation by giving them a good ham and egg breakfast.” Replied the pig, “For you, that may be sacrifice; for me, that is total commitment.

How true it is with most Christians and also with the vast sea of humanity. We are willing to go a mile or so but would demand of others to go the whole distance….

Helping to cry

Author and lecturer Leo Buscaglia once told of a contest he was asked to judge. The purpose of the contest was to find the most caring child.

The winner was a four-year-old child whose next-door neighbor was an elderly gentleman who had recently lost his wife. Upon seeing the man crying, the little boy went into the old gentleman’s yard, climbed onto his lap, and just sat there.

When his mother asked him what he had said to the neighbor, the little boy said, “Nothing, I just helped him cry.”

Is the church a zoo?

Some church members are as stubborn as a mule about doing church work,
but as sly as a fox in their own business deals.

Some are as busy as a bee in spreading the latest gossip,
but as quiet as a mouse to spreading the gospel of Christ.

Many are as blind as a bat to see the needs of others,
but have eyes of a hawk to see the faults of a few.

Some are as eager as a beaver about a barbecue,
but as lazy as a dog about the prayer meetings.

Some will roar like a lion when things do not go just to suit them,
but they are as gentle as a lamb when they need the preacher of the church.

Some are as noisy as a blue jay when calling on the church for advice,
but as timid as a kitten about talking to the lost and as slow as a snail about visiting absentees and shut-ins.

Many are night owls on Saturday nights,
but “bed bugs” Sunday mornings,
and as scarce as hen’s teeth on Wednesday nights.Image

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