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Archive for the tag “humor”

Barack Obama for President, oops…heaven or hell?

barack obama1While walking down Pennsylvania Avenue one fine afternoon on his way back to the White House to sign executive orders banning certain types of ammunition and edible school lunches, President Barack Obama is tragically hit by a Prius and dies.

His soul arrives in heaven and he’s met by St. Peter at the Pearly Gates.

“Welcome to Heaven, Mr. Obama,” St. Peter says. “Before you settle in, it seems there’s a problem. We seldom see an American head of state around these parts, you see, so we’re not sure what to do with you.”

“No problem, just let me in,” Obama tells St. Peter.

“If only it were that easy, Mr. Obama,” St. Peter clucks. “I’d like to, I really would — but I have orders from higher-ups. What we’re going to do is spend one day in Hell and one day in Heaven. Then you can choose where you spend your eternity.”

“Excuse me, St. Peter,” Obama says. “I’m pretty sure I would prefer Heaven, and I’m pretty sure I deserve Heaven. I was the first African-American president, and I saved America through hope, change, transparency … ”

“What about Solyndra?”

“Look, we all make mistak–”

“Or how about Jonathan Gruber?”

“WE ALL MAKE MISTAKES, OKAY?!”

St. Peter sighed. “Well, regardless. I’m sorry, Mr. Obama, but rules are rules.” With that, he escorts Obama to the elevator to go down in to the depths of Avernus.

The doors open and Obama finds himself in the middle of his favorite golf course. In the distance is a club and in front of it are Frank Marshall Davis, Lyndon Baines Johnson and many of his Chicago compatriots who had passed on.

Furthermore, on the lawn chairs outside of the club, there were signs hung on the back that said the seats were reserved for several of his closest friends and allies, including Susan Rice, Bill Ayers and Rahm Emmanuel.

Everyone greets the deceased president and tells him what a wonderful job he did. Then, all of the Democrats begin talking about the great times they had getting rich off of those who voted for them.

The Devil comes by to meet Obama and orders lobster and caviar for everyone. They have a great time telling jokes and whiling away the hours drinking champagne. Finally, it’s time to go back up to Heaven.

St. Peter dropped Obama off in paradise, where he spends a good, if uneventful 24 hours strumming harps and spinning tales with Ronald Reagan and Abraham Lincoln on clouds. It’s fun, but not nearly as much his time in Hell.

When St. Peter comes back, he tells the president, “Well, there you have it. 24 hours in Hell, and 24 hours in Heaven. What’ll it be?”

“I know this sounds crazy,” Obama tells St. Peter. “However, it seems like Hell is better. I think I’ll go there.”

“As you wish,” St. Peter says. He sends him down on the elevator, and suddenly, he finds himself in the middle of a barren, scorched desert, covered in detritus and human waste. He sees everyone he was laughing with yesterday, dressed in rags and picking up trash in vain.

The Devil comes over to Obama and hands him a bag. “Get working, ye fool!” Satan says.

“I … I don’t get it,” Obama stammers. “Yesterday we were golfing and having a great time. What happened?”

The Devil lowers his head and clucks. “Silly Obama. You of all people should understand. Yesterday we were campaigning. Today, you voted for us!”

(H/T The Federalist Papers Project)

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Good pots and a good camera

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An amateur photographer was invited to dinner with friends and took along a few pictures to show the hostess. She looked at the photos and commented, “These are very good! You must have a good camera.”

He didn’t make any comment, but, as he was leaving to go home he said, “That was a really delicious meal! You must have some very good pots.”

The sin of lying

A minister told his congregation, “Next week I plan to preach about the sin of lying. To help you understand my sermon, I want you all to read Mark 17.”

The following Sunday, as he prepared to deliver his sermon, the minister asked for a show of hands. He wanted to know how many had read Mark 17. Every hand went up. The minister smiled and said, “Mark has only 16 chapters. I will now proceed with my sermon on the sin of  lying.”

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Is the church a zoo?

Some church members are as stubborn as a mule about doing church work,
but as sly as a fox in their own business deals.

Some are as busy as a bee in spreading the latest gossip,
but as quiet as a mouse to spreading the gospel of Christ.

Many are as blind as a bat to see the needs of others,
but have eyes of a hawk to see the faults of a few.

Some are as eager as a beaver about a barbecue,
but as lazy as a dog about the prayer meetings.

Some will roar like a lion when things do not go just to suit them,
but they are as gentle as a lamb when they need the preacher of the church.

Some are as noisy as a blue jay when calling on the church for advice,
but as timid as a kitten about talking to the lost and as slow as a snail about visiting absentees and shut-ins.

Many are night owls on Saturday nights,
but “bed bugs” Sunday mornings,
and as scarce as hen’s teeth on Wednesday nights.Image

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